We’re taking pity on four animals who are truly terrible dates, and offering up our unsolicited advice. Think they might get a date for Valentine’s Day if they change their tune?
I know I’m a terrible kisser. But I was born this way. Is there any hope?
Yours, Pining Pileated
Dear Pining Pileated,
So here’s the thing. As a Pileated Woodpecker, you were born with an amazing tongue with spear like tips on it – perfect for foraging for insects in timber. But…it’s not ideal for smooching. Try cuddling instead.
I spend a lot of the year migrating. It gets lonely. And so I keep trying to buddy up with other sea creatures (mainly…er…pretty much only jellyfish). They don’t seem very cooperative. What can I do to persuade them to stick around?
Sincerely, A Lonely Leatherback
Dear Lonely Leatherback,
We know it’s hard to be alone for such a long time. But you can’t make friends with your prey. And you certainly can’t force a friendship upon them. It doesn’t matter how tightly you grasp onto them with your cusps. Instinct will take over and yes….you’ll end up eating them. Actually you’ll shred them apart since your throat is lined with sharp spines and is designed to cut jellyfish up into little pieces as they travel down your esophagus and into your stomach. But don’t worry, when you reach your nesting grounds, you’ll have plenty of other Leatherbacks to keep you company. Stay the course!
I thought everybody loved a love bite. Am I wrong?
Yours, The Piranha Penitent Nibbler
Dear Penitent Nibbler,
Perhaps you don’t know the real definition of a love bite. We can’t blame you since all Piranhas have powerful bites. It’s in your genes. Your jaws are backed by some pretty hefty muscles enabling you to bite with force that’s 30 times greater than your own weight! So easy does it, when it comes to love bites. Best of luck!
I think I come on too strong on dates. They never ring me up again for a second date. What should I do?
Sincerely, The Black Widow
Dear Black Widow,
If you really want a first date to lead into a second, you absolutely must stop trying to eat your mates. Your male mates have gotten word. Have you never noticed that they jiggle their abdomens to imitate the vibrations of predators to distract you before they make a mad dash to safety? You’re more than intimidating. You’re petrifying. Best to keep cool, calm and collected in future romantic endeavors.